Kim,
First of all, I would like you to know that what I am going to say in this post is only my insight and what I think you should do. Whether you want to follow my advice or disregard it is up to you.
From the things that you told me, I can say that you two have something. Not just an ordinary something, but something that's worth fighting for.
From how I see it, I can tell that you're very special in his heart. If he was able to 'retreat' like that, then, you may be something he doesn't want to lose. He treasures you, Kim. He may have a weird way of showing it, but he does. And what he said about you deserving better than him, well, he should know that the best you can deserve is someone who can love for who you are despite your flaws, and mistakes. He should know that love isn't for those who are this and that, but for those who can feel it and fight for it.
As for you, I know that you are in love with him. Your eyes explain everything. You yearn for his prescence. And if you think that there's nothing you can do about it, your wrong. Even if you already said 'no' when he wanted to give it a go because of hurt, you can still change the outcome. You can tell him that deep inside you really wanted to. That is, of course, if you do.
Based on the romance pocket books that I've been reading and a little bit of my experience as well, I can pretty much say that courage is all you need. Don't be afraid to tell him what you really feel. I always thought that if you love someone, tell them because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken.
You see, Kim, if you don't he might think that you've truly given up. He might think that you choose to turn your back on him and all those precious memories you've had. And if he thinks you did, he might do the same too.
If you tell him, well, there's a chance that it would be weird because as you've said, you're a girl and it would not be normal for you to be making the first move. Well, screw that, Kim. Whoever would judge you for expressing your long-kept feelings are narrow-minded and do not know the meaning to the statement 'explore all possibilities'.
Also, you've told me you're scared of being rejected. One, I don't think that would ever happen. He loves you, he said so himself. And he's very sweet and caring to you. If ever he will let you down, I assure you that he's going to do it gently. and Two, if ever it doesn't end up as how you've wanted it to, at least he knew the truth and at least you got that weight off your chest. That way, you can now walk freely knowing you don't have anything to hide anymore.
Courage is very important. Don't be afraid to speak out and tell him the truth. The truth sets us free, doesn't it? Don't let fear or hurt get in the way of happiness. Just think: the fear or hurt you're feeling now, is less than half of the happiness and bliss that you will experience after facing them. Anyway, there can never be roses without thorns so just hang in there, Kim. I'm here for you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxox
to kim: Sorry if the choice of words weren't that nice. I'm so sleepy but wanted to finish this before going to sleep. Even if the words aren't as wisely-thought, I do hope you get the idea.
